The Birthdate Conundrum
It was an unseasonably cold January day in Pyongyang when Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Leader of North Korea, stepped onto a stage to address his loyal citizens and the world. The occasion was meant to celebrate his birthday, but as always, Kim had a twist in store.
“Today,” he began with a solemn tone, “is my birthday. Or so they tell me.”
The crowd erupted in applause, though many exchanged confused glances. Kim raised his hand to silence them.
“Let me be clear,” he continued. “I do not remember which year I was born. It could have been 1982. It could have been 1983. Maybe even 1984. But does it matter? No. Because I was not there for my birth.”
The crowd fell silent. The statement left even his most loyal advisors perplexed. Whispers rippled through the audience until Kim clarified:
“While others waste their time being born, I had a more important schedule. I was occupied—very busy—sorting out the nuclear situation. Even as a newborn, I was a visionary. I had to ensure our missiles were on track to bomb the Kremlin if necessary.”
A collective gasp spread through the crowd. Kim’s claim was as audacious as it was bewildering.
The Kremlin Situation
Kim elaborated, pacing the stage with his characteristic swagger. “You see, comrades, when I was a baby—or perhaps before—I already knew the world would look to me for guidance. There was no time to cry or be swaddled. I had to act. At that time, the Soviet Union was a threat to our independence. So, I took it upon myself to develop strategies, even as I was allegedly being born.”
A propaganda film played on the large screen behind him, showing a baby with Kim’s unmistakable face, sitting at a desk piled high with maps and blueprints of nuclear weapons. The baby Kim pointed at a map of Moscow with a toy ruler, while his loyal generals nodded in approval.
“This is why my birth year is irrelevant,” Kim declared. “What matters is my eternal dedication to the glory of North Korea.”
The Reaction
Outside of North Korea, the story made headlines worldwide. News anchors struggled to report the speech with a straight face.
“Kim Jong Un claims he wasn’t present for his birth because he was busy planning a nuclear strike on the Kremlin,” one anchor said, barely stifling laughter. “This might be his most bizarre claim yet.”
In Moscow, President Vladimir Putin reportedly watched the footage with a raised eyebrow. “He thinks he was trying to bomb the Kremlin as a baby?” Putin mused to his advisors. “This man’s imagination is… impressive.”
Meanwhile, in Washington, a State Department spokesperson joked, “If he wasn’t there for his own birth, it certainly explains a few things.”
A Nation’s Loyalty
In North Korea, however, the speech was met with awe. State media hailed it as proof of Kim’s divine leadership. Children were taught in schools that Kim had been born fully aware of geopolitical tensions and had selflessly delayed his entry into the world to save his nation.
“The Dear Leader is beyond time,” one teacher explained to her class. “He exists on a higher plane of reality, solving problems before they even arise.”
Statues were erected showing baby Kim in a military uniform, holding a miniature missile. The story became a cornerstone of the country’s propaganda, reinforcing the idea that Kim was not just a leader but a force of nature.
The Mystery Endures
As the years passed, Kim’s birth year remained a mystery, deliberately shrouded in ambiguity. Each January 8th, the nation celebrated his birthday across three consecutive years—just to be safe.
And so, the legend of Kim Jong Un’s miraculous multitasking at birth lived on, a curious tale in the annals of world history, baffling outsiders while bolstering his mythos within his tightly controlled regime.
